drie susters en ‘n ma

Hallo aan almal (weereens), my blog was vir die afgelope jaar baie stil (ek bedoel eindlik ‘non existent’) maar ek gaan my bes probeer om iets so elke nou en dan te skryf. Ek is op die oomblik op ‘n ’sabbatical’ - dit klink baie beter as om te se werkloos en moet kinders grootmaak. Gelukkig is altwee die seuns in die oggende in die skool en het ek dan bietjie tyd vir myself.

Soos die spreekwoord sê: Naas Dood en Egskeiding is trek een van die mees ontwrigtende aspekte van ‘n mens se lewe. Ek kan getuig hiervan. Ons trek Kaap toe was (en is) emosioneel uitputtend, en om ewe skielik tot stilstand geruk te word en te moet boeke vat van jou lewe is partykeer iets wat ‘n mens eerder wil uitstel/afstel. Nietemin, binne jou eie verwysingsraamwerk groei ‘n mens in jou wese deur hierdie “ontwrigtings” in jou lewe. En ek is dankbaar daarvoor. Ewe skielik is ander dinge vir jou belangrik, jou man en kinders word eerste gestel, want daar is nie meer ‘n veeleisende werk wat knaag aan jou vir verslae en alle krag uit jou mergel nie. Jy het tyd vir jou kinders, al voel dit partykeer asof jy hulle teen ‘n kapstok gaan ophang as hulle nie ophou baklei nie. En ‘n mens kyk weer met nuwe oë na hulle, hoe hulle persoonlikhede verskil en besef weereens hoekom jy elkeen so verskriklik liefhet, juis omdat hul in eie reg en wese, uniek is. Maar genoeg van die kinders.

Ek het die volgende uittreksel gelees, na aanleiding van “ontwrigtings”, geskryf deur Gretha Wiid (geneem uit Finesse) en dit het my aangegryp en laat wonder - was ons almal nie al daar nie (man of vrou), miskien het jy dit nooit erken aan jou lewensmaat nie, miskien het die verhouding, deur die genade, nooit verder gegaan as ‘n “fling” nie, of dalk het dit ….:

“V: Dit voel of ek tussen die spreekwoordelike duiwel en die diepblou see sit. Daar is ‘n man by die werk met wie ek baie goed oor die weg kom. Ek weet dis verkeerd, maar ek geniet sy nabyheid meer as die van my man. Hoewel hy ook getrou is, glo ek hy is my sielsmaat. Het ek ‘n fout gemaak om met my man te trou? Ek weet nie waarheen nie!

A: Die gras aan die ander kant lyk mos altyd groener! Al ooit gewonder of die hoeveelheid mis aan daardie kant iets daarmee te doen het? Jy gaan nie van my raad hou nie, maar hier is dit!

‘n Slukkie Lou Water?

Jy het waarskynlik ook gevoel jou man is jou sielsmaat toe julle destyds getroud is. Jy het toe sekerlik geglo hy gaan jou vir altyd gelukkig maak, maar … Julle huwelik het intussen sy vonk verloor.

Hierdie nuwe “sielsmaat” van jou gee aandag aan ander vroue met wie hy nie getroud is nie (jy’s ‘n bewys daarvan!), hy is ook bereid om sy kinders se emosies te bedreig vir ‘n “ander” vrou!

Wat laat jou dink jy gaan vir ewig voel soos wat jy nou voel?

Onthou, alle verhoudings begin met vlinders in die maag! Maar mettertyd loop alle huwelike onder stres en probleme deur. Finansiële stres, kinders grootmaak, moeilike skoonfamilie, siekte, ouderdom, oortyd by die werk … noem maar op! Jy sien nou net die beste van hierdie man. Sy “af”-kant is dalk erger as dié van jou eie man. Jy het naïewe hoop as jy dink dat julle ‘n geseende verhouding kan hê. Wie sal dit seën? God?

Nee, Hy eer verbonde. Hy sal nie. Punt! Sy seën lê by jou huidige verbond! Wat vevul hierdie man vir jou wat deur jou man afgeskeep word? Ons moet altyd weer herinner word dat 90% van alle buite egtelike verhoudings gegrond is op hóé die persoon jou láát voel en nie hoe jy óór hom voel nie! Iemand wat werklik dors is, sal bereid wees om tevrede te wees vir ‘n klein slukkie lou water! Is jy emosioneel dalk so dors dat jy lou water aansien vir ‘n vars fontein?

Begin soek by jouself!

1. Gaan op jou knieë en praat hierdie ding met die Here uit. Bely jou gevoelens en vra om vergifnis. Jy het perspektief nodig. Jou hart is op die verkeerde plek en skreeu teen dit wat reg is!

2. Maak dan’n afspraak met jou man. Vertel hom, sonder om hom te beskuldig, dat jy regtig méér wil hê. Sê vir hom dat jy julle ou verhouding mis.

3. Praat oor wat jy emosioneel nodig het; dat jy dalk meer koestering wil hê en dat hy tyd moet maak om na jou te luister. Sê jy wil meer gesinstyd, meer lag en meer opbouende en waarderende woorde hê. Vertel hom wat jy nodig het om weer te blom.

4. Die belangrikste is dat jy ook vir hóm moet vra wat hy nodig het om werklik gelukkig te wees. Jy het waarskynlik ook met die jare verander. Jy was dalk altyd avontuurlustig, het meer gelag, het belanggestel in jou man se dinge, was meer gretig oor intimiteit … het minder gekla en gekritiseer?

5. Die moeilikste ding is om selfondersoek te doen en om ons eie aandeel te erken en dan te verander. Maar dis wat dit gaan verg - ‘n vrou wat ongeag haar gevoelens bereid sal wees om te baklei vir die belofte wat sy gemaak het! Glo dat jy ‘n wonderwerk in jou huwelik sal beleef. Droom groot! Want ons God kan ‘n hart van klip sag maak.”

Sterkte vir almal wat hierdie paadjie al geloop het (en nog dalk eendag gaan loop).

I was off to work on Monday and what a reality shock that was!  The previous week our big boy went back to school and little Lollie went to preschool for the first time.  He’s really struggling to adapt and fighting with all his might against the new routine.  I know everyone tells you that he’s okay and that he’ll be fine, but he’s still my little baby. My heart is breaking when the teacher tells me that he didn’t participate in any class activities today, but she’s confident that tomorrow will be better.  But being a very confident mom, walking and talking with a mission and passion (I mean he’s my second child and I’m suppose the pass this test with a distinction …) I held my pose very well and agreed and pointed out some things that she might want to try with him and walked out, head held high and with my confident mission and passion walk.

Closing the gate behind me I felt as if I could just sit there and cry with my little Lollie.   We build all these barriers around us and nobody can penetrate them and then trying to keep my pose at a preschool, I all of a sudden felt like giving up everything just to be able to keep him in my arms every morning instead of dropping him off at a preschool.

Fortunately reality kicked in very quickly when I looked at my credit card balance … So, everything is back to normal!

My first post for 2008 is about foreplay - sex, what a wonderful way to start our new year!

After quite a funny discussion with friends of ours (after lots of red wine…) we came to the subject of foreplay. The word sex is very often used in our household and it’s not seen as the typical “holy cow”. We joke around, promising one another sex if you need something from the other person etc.

I want to dedicate this post to all the men reading it. PLEASE NOTE - foreplay doesn’t start 5 minutes before you’re having sex. We need time!! I tried to explain this to hubby so many times, but to no avail. Foreplay starts the moment you open your eyes - feel free to jump into the shower with her (please brush your teeth before the time and no sex yet, this is foreplay), when she’s preparing breakfast, gently stroke her back or a kiss in her neck will get her attention. Send her an sms or e-mail telling her that you love her and that you appreciate her. When she gets home from work, surprise her with a home cooked meal (on second thought, take aways will also do, if she has to do the cleaning, it will break her spirit!). Then start preparing her bath, please don’t forget the candles and the bath oil (or whatever she prefers). And then I’ll leave it in your capable hands… Make her feel special and she’ll be putty in your hands. That’s all - we’re not asking that much.

Please don’t be monotonous and do the same thing over and over, use your imagination! Happy foreplay in 2008!!

I know I am going to sound like a real w(b)itch now, but it’s BAD, BAD, BAD, BAD for your kids!!  Stii and I use to have quite a clear understanding when it comes to computer/playstation games (this relates to Ian - 7 years old, … Stii I’m still struggling with …).  I think as time went by and both of us became extremely busy it was easier to bend our rules, to suit us as parents, and not thinking of the affect it’s having on Ian.  Ian loves his games, he will play games for hours, quickly rushing to the loo every 2nd hour just because he HAS to, otherwise he’ll go on and on and on.

Friday night we had an incident at a friend’s house, but first I need to explain Ian’s personality.  In short, if you know Stii, you know Ian.  He’s a very pleasant, very calm, very easy going little boy, without having hang-ups about anything.  Ian eats broccoli because his mother tells him to do so … just to give you an idea.  What happened on Friday night was so out of his character and my heart was breaking for him because I know that’s not the child we’ve been raising for the past 7 years.

Ian was playing with his friend (almost same age) and they’ve been swimming and playing all day without any problems.  They’ve been fighting (playing) and then all of a sudden Ian jumped on top of his friend and started hitting him without end. He kept going and going and if it weren’t for the dads that intervened, he could have hurt his friend very badly.  The story behind the story we heard only later, when Ian explained that he was thrown from the chair onto his neck and his neck was hurt very badly and he was defending himself.  Now, I don’t have a problem with Ian defending himself, but I do have a problem with him not knowing when to stop!!  And not knowing when to stop is the false sense of security that games implant in their little minds.  In the gaming world they are invincible.  Believe me, I’m not talking about a game with an age restriction of 18 years, I’m talking about a game for ages 3+.  Ian loves this specific stupid game where they shoot/hit everybody and everything and after a while all is well and alive again and they can do it all over again, and the more they do it, the more money (points) they generate.  And with us, as parents, giving him the tool in his hand and allowing him to be exposed to such crap, is inexcusable from us.  We were given, by God, 2 beautiful, innocent souls, to mold and shape in order to produce well balanced God fearing, grown ups.  And because of what we’re allowing, thinking it’s not that bad - he’s just playing games, he’s in our house, nobody can do him any harm, nobody can expose him to drugs - has done exactly the opposite.  And yes, both Stii and I needed this experience to open our eyes to the cruel reality of computer/playstation games.

Stii and I still need to sort out exactly how we are going to manage it, but the playstation has been packed away, TV limited to the absolute minimum, and we, as parents, will spend more quality time with our 2 sons.

Stii and I took the boys to the beach today, for the first time this season (as everybody knows, the best time to come to the Garden Route for a holiday is during February/March).  We’ve got the best weather during February, and with the recent floods we’ve had, the beach was out of the question.  Today, being extremely hot, we set off to Hartenbos to visit my mom and dad and to take the boys to the beach.  What a joy it was!  I’m not particularly fond of the beach as I hate the sand that gets into places you never even thought you had, but Stii and the kids love it.  I was sitting there thinking how privileged we are having the sea and the most beautiful mountains on our doorstep.  The sad thing is that when you live here, you tend to forget about it.  It’s only when you see all the holiday makers with GP and FS number plates that you all of a sudden realise it’s time to go to the beach again.  Then everything/every place is crowded.  You don’t get parking close to the beach and have to walk for 10 minutes, and you get irritated with the holiday makers, but forgetting that we’ve got the luxury of the sea 365 days a year.  I still don’t see myself paying thousands of rands, to have a holiday by the sea (maybe because we grew up here and  is taking our blessings for granted),  but I also think that people are ripping off holiday makers in the daily rates they’re asking for accomodation.

To all the GP and FS people, you’ve got my sympathy!  To all the locals, look around you, we’ve got so much natural beauty to be grateful for.  Enjoy the mountains, our beautiful forests, beaches and the sea and think of all the people that have never smelled the smell of dampness and wet soil of our fern enriched forests or have felt the sand of the beach underneath their feet, or tasted exactly how salt sea water is when a wave unexpectedly hit you from your feet.

First of all, a huge THANK YOU to Carl Spies (http://carlspies.com). Even though I don’t know you personally, you have restored my faith in mankind. You gave me hope that all is not lost and that there are people on this earth that actually care about fellow humans, not because of what they can gain from the relationship, but purely because they care.

Carl send me 2 photography books with Stii and I couldn’t believe it when Stii told me this last night. Maybe it’s because of the kind of work I’m in but I can’t remember when last I have seen such a selfless act. I know it’s only books, but I’m very sentimental when it comes to things like this. Whenever I receive a gift, it’s usually to say “thanks” for what I’ve done or to say “thanks” for what I am about to do.

Again, thanks Carl for opening my eyes and making me see that there is still good hearted people out there.

I’m so excited about my books I couldn’t decide whether to first start reading or to do this post, whilst Stii is ranting & raving about Afrigator’s good reviews. Well done to the Afrigator Guys! Even though I don’t like admitting it, I’m proud to be called “Stii’s wife”.

Ian after his operation, recovering - sleeping like an angel.

He woke up with a smile - No problems.

Henk after his operation - Recovering.

After lots of bribing, eventually he ate some jelly.

The chewing gum was nice!

And now he’s getting tired of the hospital

Finally, we’re home!!

The operations last week Wednesday went very well, all considering.  Above is a couple of photos we took in the hospital.  (Sorry about the poor quality, but I didn’t feel like taking my camera with and taking photos of them in hospital - as it is, the people thought I was half crazy! …). 

Stii took Ian into the theater room, and I had the pleasure of taking Henk.  By the time Henk went in, he was beside himself.  At one stage the hospital staff actually closed the doors because Henk was totally out of control, crying for his brother, crying because it was almost 11 o’clock and he hasn’t had anything to drink or eat since 20:00 the previous night.  I think it’s absolutely ludicrous to expect anybody to keep a 2 year old quite and relaxed since 6 o’clock the morning.  Eventually they gave him something to calm him down, and that had the opposite effect, he went even more crazy.  And all he wanted was his brother.  Needless to say, I was stressed out, Henk was stressed out, Stii was stressed out.  Eventually when I went into the theater room with him, he was clinging to his bed like a little monkey and I had to literally pull him from the bed.  When he got hold of me, the theater personnel had to pull him from me - he was stuck to me like Velcro.  That broke my heart! When they put the anaesthesia mask on him and the last breath he took I could see, looking at his throat, that he was struggling to breathe.  That was it! I told the doctors (very controlled) that my son was struggling to breath and they must do something NOW!  WELL, I was quickly escorted OUT of the theater room and told to please wait outside, they will call me when they are finished.  My heart was breaking for my little boy that was so scared and bewildered and I felt like a horrible mom, allowing all of this!

Ian was a little angel, not once did he complain or cry.  He’s a real strong little boy!  Being back at home, Henk was, and still is, driving us insane with his crying.  I know his throat is very, very sore, but PLEASE, give us a break!  The more irritated we get with Henk, the more irritated Stii and I get with one another.  There’s been a couple of times this past week that we snapped at each other, but it’s all a horrible combination of little sleep and high stress levels both at work and at home. 

Stii’s got the Afrigator project to finish and he’s flying to Jhb tomorrow (leaving me alone … again), aswell as his other contracts, and has been working into the early morning hours trying to keep everybody happy.  With the current floods in our area, I’m VERY, VERY busy at work, trying to cope with all the stress that comes with my job. In the end, getting home at night, with a 2 year old that doesn’t care whether you had horrible day or not, having his own tantrums, demanding your immediate attention in everything he does, having a very sore throat and just not feeling well, it really pushes you to your limits when it comes to self control.

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Tags: kids, hospital

Thinking back at the night I was sitting here, typing a message for Justin on his post of his son that’s going into hospital, I was trying to think of all the “right” words and what to say and what not to say. Being in the same boat (a month later), and having been through a similar ordeal when Ian was 8 months old, I all of a sudden realized that it’s so much easier to dish out advice when you are not going through it yourself. I can remember every second of that day when Ian got anaesthesia and how it made me feel as a mother, handing over his lifeless body to the doctor and praying that your child will wake up… It’s horrible!

Well, Friday we got the news that Henk (2 years) must get his tonsils and adenoids removed asap. But wait, that’s not all, if you order right now …….. today we heard that Ian (7 years) must get his adenoids removed and grommets put in, asap.

So, the long and the short of the story is that both Ian and Henk is having their ops on Wednesday morning. I’m not looking forward to it at all, but am so sick and tired of sick children that in a sense can’t wait for everything to be over and done with. To have my children safely in my arms and for once, hopefully, seeing some results. I’m tired of antibiotics week after week and the doctors treating the results and not the cause of the problem.

I still don’t know how Stii and I will be handling the two boys Wednesday morning because we (one of us) have to be with them when they get anaesthesia and be with them when they wake up. How do we choose between them? It makes me feel like being in the middle of a strong current and you have to let go of one son to save the other one!!

All I can ask is for everyone to pray that all will go well. Thx!

“Vaaderkarsfees ek is lief vir jou ek vas baie soet ek is ian ek wil baie graag `n remote control  kar he en `n handskoen wat 3 verskillende ligies in `n paar swetpakbroekies`n psp henk wil `n batman hemp he en `n supeman speelding”

To translate the above in English it will probably read something like this … “Father Christmas, I’m Ian - I love you and wasn’t naughty during the past year.  My request for presents include a remote control car, a pair of gloves with 3 different colored lights in it, a couple of sweaters, and/or a PSP.  And for Henk, my brother, he would like a Batman T-Shirt and a Superman toy”.

This is my 7 year old son’s Christmas list to Santa.  With his initial attempt, he also noted to Santa where can buy the toys (all from Reggies, of course).  I tried to explain to him that he must at least tell Santa how much he loves him and how good he was during the year etc etc.  Eventually I had my son in tears because the letter to Santa wasn’t fun anymore.  He turned to the computer and “composed” his own letter to Santa.  Even though it’s Afrikaans, the spelling was just to sweet.  Of course his initial attempt had the remote control car in aswell, but without Stii’s help, it was spelled “remode kandrol kar”.  The “kandrol” part caused a lot of fun in our house …

Needless to say, this letter must be posted to Santa ASAP (I think we must create an e-mail address for Santa … much easier).

Kids being kids … putting what they want/need/desire, out there and firmly believe  that it will come true.  We (grown ups) need to steal some of their Christmas spirit and ask from God what we want.  We want happiness, fulfillment, more time for this/that etc etc etc the list will go on and on and on.  Being like a kid, demands you to think about the present time only.  Tomorrow is not a problem yet because it hasn’t happened yet. I can promise you, if I ask Ian to do his Santa list tomorrow, it will be a different list altogether (except maybe for the PSP … we’re not going to get out of that one easily).  We need to think and feel like kids again.  Stop worrying about tomorrow, because you can’t change anything about tomorrow’s problems.  The problem with grown ups is that we are quite willing to ask God the things we need/want, but in the back of our heads we are already making Plan B’s “just in case …”.  Sorry, it doesn’t work that way - If you ask, you MUST believe like my 7 year old believes.  He believes that he will get each and every toy on his wish list (and the PSP of course…).  When he wrote his list there wasn’t a Plan B with a back up list.

PS:  Having second thoughts about the PSP - I’m sure Stii is behind this one!!!

I’ve recently been going through a very rough patch at work - working 11 hours a day, trying to give my best for the Company I’m working for, then getting home late at night, trying to please everyone here, getting frustrated, irritated, and just being nasty to the people that I love the most. I thank the Lord that I’ve got such a patient and loving husband, otherwise I would have been out on the street, long time ago! Thanks Luv!!! I’m tired, emotionally drenched and feel like sleeping for days without end. After a recent conversation that Bev and I had, I felt that it’s necessary to get this out in 1010101000101111000010010100 format, as I believe that I’m not the only person that feels like this. Why is it that we will slave ourselves to the bone for someone else, and when it comes to our family (the people that is suppose to be first in our lives), we would gently move them to the side and offer them the off cuts.

I love defending my causes and was trying to make excuses in my own world, maybe trying to put my mind at ease that there is a greater cause behind this all. First of all, I was telling myself that without my income we would not be able to cope financially. Thinking about it later on, I changed the “we” to “I”.

Then I started debating the fact that it’s my career that’s on the line. Yes, in a certain sense it’s true - I’ve been in the same industry for 11 years and sort of know what to expect when and how to handle it - and yes, I am quite good at what I do. I know I’m in a comfort zone and need to get out of there. So what?, these days people make quicker career changes than I can change underwear.

After playing tug-of-war with my emotions, I came to that special, horrible emotion: PRIDE. One of the seven deadly sins … Now I know why. If you don’t have it, you’ve got no backbone. If you have too much of it, you stuck up and tend to neglect everyone around you for the “cause”. What cause?? Especially for a mother, shouldn’t my most important cause be my kids and husband? I’m quite willing to fail at home as long as I don’t fail at work. And who is going to be at my bedside when I’m 70/80 years old? Definately not the Company I’ve been working for 11 hours a day - it’s going to be my husband and children. Priorities?? Failure?? Where do we draw the line if we have to work?????? Where do we get the courage to get out of our comfort zones and try something new? I don’t know…